Thursday, July 24, 2003 :.

Private Blogging

Social Blogging

Random thought: Saiyuki Gaiden has already been through several chapters already, which is more than enough for compilation into a tankoubon. I wonder....
This month's Zero-Sum will supposedly have another episode of Gaiden, and the way the plot is going, the characters seem likely to die if given a few more scenes of battle ^^;; Ah well~~

I realized that I have been neglecting the radio for a couple of weeks/months, and I wondered if it has something to do with my degenerating of my English. (Damn I really am upset about it, all right?! The vocabs and fluidity of sentences that once gushes as a torrent is now reduced to a mere trickle. Just. Because. I. Don't. Get. To. Practise. English. Anywhere else but. School. In which I am hopeless surrounded by Chinese, and there's even my mum's friend who drives me to and fro school as well. He. Speaks. Mandarin. AND HOKKIEN!! *dies of ahem cosmopolitility <- ARGH can't remember spelling~*)

I need to resume listening to english radio.

Maybe someday when my thoughts are more coherent, I would edit the entry to be more readable. But it is unlikely, as ever since I went to HC, my English has never been the same again. *sob*

10:11 p.m.

Saturday, July 19, 2003 :.

My mum actually brought up that RJC incident today, and was terribly concerned about whether my school "has this kind of teacher", then subsequently followed up with her view that the teacher was absolutely in the wrong; such things should not happen because a teacher in her ideal is always suitably refrained. I was amazed by the sudden switch of role where I now have to assure her a teacher does not maketh the school (probably), when she and my dad had been the ones who tried and tried and tried to persuade me to go either RJ or HC ("AJ wouldn't be good for your future dammit"). I told her that the teacher's harsh measures do not and should not immediately warrant a condemning label.

I mean, who am I to judge whether the teacher did right or wrong? You cannot just judge it from waaay over here, where the plastic wrap of newspaper reports barricades one perspective from another. I told my mother that although the teacher's actions were drastic and her words piercing, one really cannot conclude if one has not even seen the teacher. I had a teacher in primary school who ripped worksheets, flung workbooks across the extreme breadth of the classroom out the door, and even broke a wooden ruler once while swatting a girl. Nevertheless, she was still the favourite teacher of many, for the simple reason that she was otherwise - and overall - a fantastic and funny teacher, and therefore, was never really "wrong" in our eyes.
While it is true, though, that children are generally more indiscriminating and less egoistic than us teenagers, one should really consider *that* every other brat who runs home complaining to his mum/dad teacher hit/scolded me in front of the class and I felt awful go do something about it will you will you who, if as brattish as his/her child, will storm marching off to the principal's office/teacher's classroom and complain to the head/slap the teacher.

(Aside, one cannot help but have a... certain idea about the RJ teacher's popularity.)

We are always taught not to make sweeping statements, so I guess you can ignore the paragraph above the above paragragh.
So when I told my mother that you cannot say for sure whether the teacher did the wrong thing -- we can only postulate (with me being aware that I am giving a polictically correct answer) -- she looked at me quite incredulously, then went on to ask if there were such teachers at my school. My reply of "not one whom I have seen" generated a response of "luckily you didn't enrol in that school". I was tempted to scoff that it does not mean there isn't such a teacher in our school, and anyway having my civics(such irony) tutor is more than enough thank you very much, but I had my mouth full of veggies and could not be bothered to answer her. She did not even pull the 2 students involved into her picture of conclusion, so neither did I.
^^;; this is how you slack in GP

Such things are quite demoralising, for teachers as well as for students who thought they had seen all of the worst teachers ever. Therefore I am suddenly reminded of Mr Chia ^^ who has to be the most best-est tutor I have ever met and seen ^^^^. Really, there are lots of little things he said (though sometimes lame) and done (anyone for juggling?) that makes him such a great teacher as a whole, not simply in the academic sense. Unfortunately, I have the kind of luck which tears me from one end of the teacher-goodness spectrum right to the other extreme end. I now have a monster for a tutor. Funny how the best teacher ever and a monster can both be single...

Ah. Speaking of teachers, I heard that Mrs Seah was not an official NY teacher, but recently became one. o_O Is this true?! I may have heard of something like that, but usually stuffs just breeze through the holes in my memory cells.

Today I heard Cantonese being spoken wherever I turn, which is uncanny.
First I heard the language being exchanged between a guy and a girl on the bus. Then between another guy and girl on the street. After that on the way to Woodlands, when I woke up to let the person beside me alight the bus, I heard "students these days are such poor things - they have to study very hard and they have not enough sleep" in cantonese. I realized the person was looking in my direction, so I turned and looked and smiled. They were one granny and one more-than-middle-age-and going-on-to-senior-citizen. The >middle-aged lady saw me and continued in mandarin (to me), "You must be very hardworking to get such good results (good result = good school?). Top schools students are like that, and they don't get enough sleep at all." My sentiments exactly.
"But you must perservere and get even better results; I have 6 diplomas! ... ...!" I did not catch that last part because my ignorant brain was busy calculating if that was possible. All the while, I grinned at them and made opportune comments. Then she urged me to go back to sleep. I had planned to say bye to them when they alight the bus, but I only woke up when they were making down those last flights of bus steps. -_-||| I have to say the granny's voice sounded _exactly_ like my grandmother's - the same nice hoarse lull. If I were in a deeper sleep, I might have thought I dreamt of my grandma.

And really, if I were to fly to The United States right now, I would have adapted to the time zone perfectly.

Before I went Woodlands from school, I thought about going to Funtasia... to spot Stormy (or Suyi, or anyone). Well, I did alight at the NJ stop, went across the bridge, donated 60 cents to S.P.C.A. flag day. Then I saw the loooooong walk leading into the compounds; I got discouraged. Stupid Stormy doesn't have a handphone that I can phone and ask some questions that might have motivated my legs into the school...
In the end, I made my first trip ever to Woodlands Regional Library.

In fact, I'm going there again tomorrow~~

The incongruency of the time stated and the time published is due to the fact that I left the entry through the night until I remembered to post it "today" (20 July).
=P now I'm going to WRL.

10:15 p.m.

:.

Geez.
Jikan ga ARIMASEN yo~!!
Which hopefully accounts for my absence of blogging recently.

But today(/yesterday, seeing I am blogging at such a weird hour...) calls for some celebration: NY softball B Division has won the Nationals! They had defeated TK a couple of days earlier with a 10-2 scoreline, preceding today's victory against FTP, 10-7.

However, I have been cruelly prevented from watching the game because of that One and Only Chemistry remedial where you get the rare opportunity of close alien contact.

But nevermind about /that/. The thing is, this softball championship victory is so sweet for them ("they very happy!" - sms from Kristy) that I am almost jealous. Last year, due to some unfortunate lapse of concentration, we had to contend with being runner-up to TK. What made it even more bitter was that we *were* in the position to win it - what, leading by 7 runs maybe? Ah. But the past is the past. Now, I am really glad for them (am also wondering in fascination the unsaid curse of alternative years of batches winning. Whatever.).

And then there is going to be a "victory" chalet for us from coach... not really sure if the NY girls are involved as well.

But there is always a but.

And it looms in the dreaded form of PW.
To anybody in general piahing for the GPF that is to be handed up soon (too soon), well, our group is going PW-intensive for the next 2 days at libraries and whatnots. Are you? ^^

So much for the weekend, and so much for any potential blogging anytime soon. I hate this country's education system. It's good for the country, but most of us suffer. What happened to _youth_ that was once filled of hobbies, breeze, grass, free time and eager (not made reluctant) learning?!

Oh gawd. I have to wake up at 8 tomorrow. I'll sleep dead (shui si).

01:43 a.m.

Monday, July 14, 2003 :.

Conscious self	Overall self

Take Free Enneagram Test

How nice.
In descending order, my desires: peace, fun, love, reason, acclaim, understanding, perfection, loyalty, power.

Everything said in the 2 results is quite spot on except the "extrovert" part. I made sure I chose that "indecisive" option in the test, so why is it giving me the "rarely suffers from indecision" verdict?
My "main personality" - 9w1 - suits me to the core; hey, I /do/ sleep my life away. [see: details on sidebar ^^]

11:19 p.m.

:.

YES!

I've recovered my watch! I found it! I love the lab assistant! I love the world! There was no FM B tutorial today! I recovered 3 marks for my Physics Test! I passed it! I am so happy! I am very happy! I am very happy! I am very happy!

Happyhappyhappyhappyhappy

You can! see! from the number of! ex!clam!ation! marks that I am in a very!! good mood today!

Not that today's an extra good day, but the other days were just simply too lousy.

cumbs: I bring good luck *beams*

Shut up.

Then there was swimming lesson for P.E. today -- the first lesson of the rest of the term. However due to some valid reasons, I ended up on the concrete seats at the side, munching on Walls' Chocomint Cone and watching the others swim/splash/waddle *heehee*
But so much for today's good luck; I'm taking time out now from my organic chem tutorial to blog, so the next few hours will be pretty hectic.

You know, Stormy, we have to find some way to meet each other at the bus stop, like checking out each other's schedules, or I'll forget your face very soon ^^. Ah~ and ^clover^ is allll the way in the west~ ^^;;;
Yep, and I also need you to be my regular English Influence; I'm starting to crap up this blog with broken english.

And haha, of course I won't forget your faces! I have superb memory *...frantic warning bells go off*

10:41 p.m.

Sunday, July 13, 2003 :.

Insanity Takes Over

[1] Significantly the most readable sentence of all. Also blatantly copied off Calvin and Hobbes.
P.S. Explicit misuse of words. Them above mean not a thing. Please try not to understand; I would feel guilty. Prithee no trauma was caused, for I shalt give my apologies.
P.P.S. I have in no way studied English Literature, and is in no way accessible to one hardback copy of The Merchant of Venice. Certainly I am in no way found guilty of offending Shakespeare lovers, for I am all but an ignoramus.

11:00 p.m.

:.

HaHA! What a riot.

Try this:
Go Google, and type weapons of mass destruction in the search field. Then click the I'm Feeling Lucky button. 404 messsage? Read it.

Taken from furlong47. Gosh, I am linking a lot of sites lately, aren't I?

12:45 a.m.

Saturday, July 12, 2003 :.

I keep forgetting to direct you guys to this.

It's Saiyuki Reload manga translated to chinese, and the above was the Zero Sum July episode. But if you don't want to know what happens in there because you missed the previous episodes, well, don't click it *Spoilers are present*. Next month will be a whole new arc though; you may venture the link then.

And if anyone's interested, a (illegal) site with RESERVoir CHRoNiCLE scans.
Credits to maaya.pitas.com ^^

05:56 p.m.

:.

Quoth my mother:

You were smiling in your sleep yesterday. No, rather, you were chuckling, giggling, whatever. But you laughed for one whole minute before you finally subsided. So, what exactly did you dream last night?

o_O I don't know.
I don't even remember I dreamt.

But come to think of it, I vaguely recall something about a 6B pencil. Which makes me think whether I was actually dreaming about Kenyuu (make your own connection here). Oh, mum, you sure I wasn't sniggering? Or coughing?

How concomitant that yesterday, a classmate asked, "Why do you smile so much?"
"Because I'm like Hakkai, I hide something evil inside."

No, that wasn't really my reply, but nobody needs to know my real response ^^

So why was I chortling? I reasoned that sleeping early must be good for you.
Or maybe since I went to bed "early" yesterday, my various systems must be so happy they laughed vicariously through me.

-----
EDIT:
To ^clover^ and Stormy...
Study group would be very very nice... but how are we going to meet?

01:30 p.m.

Friday, July 11, 2003 :.

Translation for this month's Zero Sum. Link nicked from sf's blog.
(Stormy Stormy, look, look, I didn't translate too badly that time right? *cackles*)

In other news, this blog is 8 months old. Already. Though the amount of contents may convey otherwise. Honestly, I have no idea that blogging will suddenly take this country's teenagers by storm. And honestly, I have no idea that I ended up taking up blogging at such a "jump on the bandwagon" period. Suddenly my blog feels very mortal...

Blog: I feel very mortal... and inexclusive...
s.C.:That is what happens when your owner spent the last half dozen of years simply using the internet for checking her overflowing email... and knowing not much else.

The point being, this blog was initially set up mainly for trying out my HTML/CSS skills, and my serious comments were actually way over at EasyJournal. To disgress and totally jump off point, I declare and hope to get a new layout by the 1st anniversary. It is 4 months away. It is possible, s.C. @__@

I flipped through ZS again, and was suddenly hit by the agitating want of drawing Kenyuu. Kenyuu with his broom and a crow and crow feathers. And him smirking in a general leftward direction while we admire his back profile. (No no, he will be wearing his robes dammit) Oh, yeah, and I'm gonna make him hold out a kyomon casually, with half his profile backlit from the soft glow emanating from said kyomon.
Think anime.
Therefore I might as well suppress the idea in my head for fear of it degrading into a black mess on paper. It usually happens.

I have finally found that elusive scanner in my school. Muahaha.

Found Yuan Ye's A2-rated drawing of Kamui (and toritachi for the usual effect) in FW today. The school's name was written down as well. What does that mean? It means that /her/ drawing took her at most 7 months to publish, while my similarly-rated one appeared after 2 years upon mailing. /And/ I didn't get the money due. I've got to get hold of her and ask her how much the $$$ is.

I actually decided to hit the bed early tonight. At around 8 pm. So I can pay off my sleep debt, wake up tommorrow morning, and perform Tedious Tasks no average student would like to be within 10 metre radius of. (READ: Homework)

s.C.'s friends: ... ...
s.C.'s friends: What did you do to s.C.?? Where did you take her away to?!

Yawn. Oh well. Looking at the time now, I doubt the "waking up refreshed" part will work anyway. Damn, even a simple plan about sleeping doesn't cooperate with me.

Goodnight.

s.C. goes to sleep @

10:31 p.m.

:.

A list of small precious things I've managed to lose this year:

1. Pencil. With whom I've grown an attachment to in the past 4 years. 5 cm at time of misplacement.
2. 2+ pieces of drawings. Most precious (not most beautiful, but most treasured) drawings. WHY does it have to be those 2?
3. Today: Watch. Bestowal of a gift from a relative back in Hong Kong. Was cute. Was pretty. Was purple. Still trying to backtrack my route around school in search for it.

I don't believe it.

I really don't freaking believe it.

I mean, it is normal to lose things. You can lose a hundred things per month and I guess that's still within the parameters of reasonableness.

But it is insane to have 3 of your most valued belongings plucked off you within 6 months

I mean, just /how many/ of these cherished stuffs that brings up fantastic memories do you _even_ have in a lifetime??

I really hope the dreadful list won't lengthen any more; I don't think I have such things left, anyway.

*The forgotten heartache of a discarded (thanks a lot, mum) jigsaw comes clawing back...*

---
EDIT:
Coincidence of all coincidences. Did I mention that at the very moment I got home and stepped across the threshold of the front door, my mum thrusted the phone in my face after telling the other person: oh, she's just gotten home, I'll let her speak to you.
Who should it be, but the very same uncle who gave me the watch. I shouldn't feel spooked, really. What are the chances that you lose something /and/ receive a call from overseas /from/ that person at the same time? I should buy lottery.

04:16 p.m.

:.

Smith & Wessen .44 Magnum. You are old school. Fat
Sheriff Deputies fancy you. Reliable but not
too practical.

I swear I didn't cheat! Honest!!

*Different model from his, but still... *heart*

(I have the worship-anything-remotely-related-to-or-appeared-in-the-same-scene-as-Sanzo syndrome. Sounds like a fangirl of a boyband, urk, but 2D men are ok ^^)

08:22 a.m.

Monday, July 7, 2003 :.

Thursday in front of a computer, that's me.

Nothing really moves but my fingers and eyes.

Ooh. I see flies.

03:20 p.m.

:.

Ooer. Don't tell me javascript makes your font go awry. Surely not.

*Scrambles to find problem*

[Update:]
I forgot to define the CSS Style. 22 characters makes or break a page. o_O
But I'll keep the javascript till I archive it. Or till I figure out an alternative (help me somebody!)

Urk. This page is playing with me.
The page is fine as it is. Fine!

10:36 a.m.

:.

Please do not click here.

*

*

*

*

Haha. I'd figured that the Titler link would have been buried under my truckload of angst down /there/, and that no sane people ('xept you, dear Stormy. I take my hat off to you.) would have gotten past that to discover the fantastically fun/agonizingly irritating link.

Well, if you've been to the link before, then too bad ^^. Consider me testing out my new toy *eyes onMouseOver feature*
Kyahaha.

In other news, true to my nature, I've decided to push back the entry for proclaiming my love of Wales and Philippoussis.

I have valid reason, though.
I'm just too disappointed that The Scud's lost.
But coming back from a few years of injury on-off to come crashing through to the Final is no mean feat in itself.
He must have been tired after a few days of 5 set matches; wasn't really on top form yesterday.
But whew, that Roger Federer was brilliant, I've lost count of how many times I screamed "That wuz BRILLIANT!" when he made countless saves and passes. He was even better than when he was in the Roddick game. *looks in awe at number, or lack of, unforced errors*

^^ yep, so that declaration is kinda on the backburner. But to make up for it, here's my promised "11 Wishes for this DECADE!"

All words scripted, all exclamation marks overused, all language weird-ed (Including above title) are copied unabridged from my pink (urk) piece of U-Grade notepaper.
It was Year 2000...

11 Wishes for this
DECADE!

1. Hope that Giggs would be at his best form every season, also scoring an impressive tally of goals for club & country!
   What do you know, he scored double figures last season, unachieved since years ago.

2. Also, Wales to be at its best by qualifying, at least qualifying for the Euro Cup or World Cup.
   This dream is materializing, and they will if they don't slip up. For the Portugal Euro 2004. *cross fingers*

3. I want to get into the national girls' soccer squad, and also play professional soccer for a job.
   I was naive then. And free. Not bombarded with homework from all directions. But I still hope to play girls' football someday (discounting the "profession" part).

4. Getting to see Giggs in person would really be a dream come true!
   Dream came true when Manchester United toured here in 2001. So he was like about 400 metres away. And only as a substitute for 15 minutes. Who cares.

5. Just wishing that Mark Philippoussis can win a Grand Slam soon!
   One US Open Final and one Wimbledon Final... so close yet so far...

6. How about being able to do soccer and skateboarding tricks which I can only dream of in Year 2000?
   Football tricks, check. Skateboard tricks? *cough* Vicariously through TonyHawkPS. Somebody need to give me a skateboard first.

7. Would be great if I can get enough sleep nowadays, and also poccessing[sic] excellent stamina!
   Dream on.

8. Getting payment for drawings sent to FW[newspaper] to buy [magazines] from my own money wouldn't be bad.
   I tried, and it wasn't too hard. Only problem is the $$$ comes in cheque, which gets despatched off to my bank account quicker than I can say "No Mum!" And my desired "magazine" has changed over the years as well (Unfortunately, more expensive).

9. It would be fantastique to learn more foreign languages from Cyber.Kdz, non? C'est vrai, je suis d'accord!
   I still cringe when I read this sentence. Complete overload and show-off. Cyber.Kdz is a series (that's where I first hear of UNIX as well), but I don't think it's sold here anymore. So after some French and Portuguese, and fragments of Dutch, suddenly the series can't be found off the bookshelves. Now I'm learning Japanese *grinz*

10. [paraphrased]Imagine having cable TV again! If I get it again in the new house, I must make sure it maintains that way by...
    Was once upon a time cut off because I watch excessively -_-;;

11. ...finishing assignments of any type punctually. That way, I can be assured of good grades. And that way, Mum will be assured that I am not affected by cable TV. Plus that way, I will be able to enjoy life more.
    Even if you don't know me better, you can still deduce that I resumed watching TV excessively when I got it once again. But I still had good grades.
    Kudos to the last statement.

Bonus Wish:
I wish I can go onto Internet for at least 2 hours a week -- or my email account would be as jammed as it was in Year 2000.
If I had 2 hr/week now, I would have withdrawal symptoms. Dreadful ones. I'm scoffing as I'm typing this. How little can a person wish for?? My email account is still "jammed", by the way.

Evaluation:
About 6 (5+0.5+0.5) wishes came true/fulfilled.
1 wish pending. Please make it, Wales!

Since this wishlist is for the decade, it will expire in 2010. Watch this space 7 years later.

10:22 a.m.

Sunday, July 6, 2003 :.

Nani mono ni mo torawarezu shibararezu
tada aru ga mama ni onore o ikiru koto

For the first time in my life, I wondered what my philosophy for living really is. For the first time, I questioned if I am truly carefree, without a worry in the world. For that, was specifically the attitude I have lived -- believed to have lived -- according to all the while. However, my uncle's visit on Wednesday really jerked me into what they refer to as "reality".

For some reason, the topic of the day was to compare/juxtapose me with my cousin(s) back in Hong Kong and the rest of the world. Academically, that is.
"It runs in the family, it does."
My uncle was refering to my O Level results, his daughter and son who studied(-ing) in universities, and my other cousins who similarly inherited the family talent of being sharp and smart.

However, I'd just had my Maths test that day, and combined with the past 2 days of GP and Chem, I was having nagging feelings for a few days about my future in school. This apprehension had spawned not just from these 3 tests, but also from the way I performed since joining the new school. Nevertheless, it had remained a tangible wisp of uncertainty.
Until Wednesday's distressingly casual conversation occurred.

At first, it had gone the way of subtly unnerving me. My uncle was joking about who, of our generation of the family, was the laziest. His son was the immediate choice, and nobody would have disgreed anyway. He spends his life couped up in front of the computer, indulges in games and the likes. I still remember the time I enjoyed Playstation... Anyway, despite these distractions and... passivity, he got into university. I have always believed myself to be this kind of person as well (and I am. Hence, "hedonist"), but here is my uncle, praising me for my diligence, and my dad, praising me for my luck and cleverness (I've not exhibited much "diligence" in front of my parents...), but they agreed that I am definitely not lazy. That comment somehow induced some slight stomach-churning in me.

Then from then on, the subject of conversation alternated between my uncle's daughter and me. His daughter(henceforth known as Biujie) has some serious gene-differences from his son. Where Biugor was smittened with games and enjoying life to the fullest, Biujie would derive the pleasure from studying. And studying. And studying studying studying. My dad told me that she might even aim for /2/ doctorates (she is studying for one now I think) if she isn't satisfied. Compared to her, my hardworking-ness level can well be a nano-scopic number. But there had been a time when she was so caught up, or possessed would be a better word, in her studying that certain incidences had led us to believe that she might become insane if she did not meet the target she set. This incident triggered the feeling I developed for that day. She had never been lower than third in class, but in her secondary school years (JC over here), there suddenly was a China scholar who did better than her. What did she do? She transferred to a lesser secondary school and became the first person in that school to be accepted into university.

My dad and uncle called that "fleeing from reality". But this struck a cord in me. A very touchy and compassionate cord. This cord plays a very huge part in why I absolutely loathe enrolling into top schools. My friend recently said "I always feel dead and kinda mood dampened whenever I get there [a top school]. Solemned. Maybe it's the auras of all the zai pple there.. stifling. Indeed I felt very free when I got to [a "lesser" school]."

Indeed. My friend does not know why she felt like that, but if it is for the same reason as mine, I have this to say:
People say it is best for you to have competition in whatever you do. They say you need to have someone better than you for you to excel and realize your potential. That is correct. For some people, that is. For another group of us, me being a prime example, our ability to excel depends on how many people are worse off than you so you aspire to keep it that way, but at the same time you must have people better than you to keep you in check. I have made it through primary school and secondary school relatively easily this way. For those who believe best schools bring out the best in you, well, not everyone feels this way; I certainly do not. I actually spoke to a guy I've barely known about this in my previous school. He was from the top male school. After listening to me, he still urges me to apply for the best school possible. Well, so some people do feel this way. Good luck to him; I don't know where he went. Conversely, if people of my kind get stuck with people better than them, and only these people exist in your class, the I-tried-hard-enough-but-I-can't-top-them syndrome slips surreptitiously in. It does not help that I am lazy and there is actually much potential to be explored in me. A worse thing is that you are ignorant of the results and capabilities of others of the same subjects but different classes. There may exist some statistics that can brighten up your life a bit, but you won't know of it. Therefore, my kind of people will balk at being constantly at the bottom, for they see no reason to try harder. Some people see it as a case of low self-esteem and morale, but mostly I disagree. This concept is as hard to explain to non-"my type of people" as it is difficult for extroverts to understand just what introverts enjoy in their lives. It is, therefore, with a bitterness when I hear my dad and uncle label Biujie's sort of escape as "fleeing", as well as when Dad told Uncle that I am not the kind of person who compares results to others. I certainly perceive myself as not, but sadly, my unconsciousness is.

During the conversation, Uncle constantly peppered it with "Do not force yourself. You should use your cleverness as a joy." That, have always been my philosophy for life. But somehow, I had to blink back near-tears that day everytime he and Dad said it. Maybe it was the underlying connotation when Dad said it, when I can almost hear the promise I hold for him and the hope that can be filled in place of Dad's and Mum's minimal schooling opportunities. The tears never spilled; I kept my head low and read my Sam's CSS in 24 Hours book. It has been a long time, really. The tears, I mean. I must have been in primary school since I last cried. For this reason, I suddenly thought: when people say 'tis the angst season in life, they ain't kidding.

Once the tear glands got worked up, almost every little thing mentioned that has something to with me induced more tears. Like when Dad asserts (proudly) to Uncle that I'm not the one for arrogance, when Uncle reminded me not to be too proud. Like when Dad joked to Uncle that I didn't put in much time and effort into studying for the "O"s anyway; it was luck haha. Which actually was true (not the luck part though) and I admitted it with a wry smile. Dad even said I have good time management. If Mum was here, she would have retorted (She of the "You're always leaving work at the last minute!" fame in the household). Also, when Dad regretted vociferously that he did not send me for Jap classes then, I managed to crack out "I won't learn it from lessons. I'm learning Jap for the fun of it." while concentrating furiously on my Japanese book through half-blinded vision. My uncle agreed wholeheartedly with my reply.

Torawarezu.
Shibararezu
Bounded by lessons?
No way.

Interspersed in the conversation was my shock of Dad actually *not* knowing I love soccer. Well, actually he did, that was why he once showed me the newspaper clipping of a girl's soccer camp. But no thanks to A Top School with Busy Schedule, I reluctantly declined. So he has since concluded I only like to watch football. Puh-lease. To disgress, maybe I should share on my blog the 11 Wishes list I compiled 4 years ago, of which a few had been fulfilled, much to my surprise (I had imagined the list not to be /that/ fulfillable...). Also, my dad expressed his contentment in my equal growth of both sports and studies. Me too. I'm particularly proud of the fact that I can adapt to a sport easily and do well in it. Haha (BHB XP). Also, Dad suggested (to Uncle, not me -_-) that I could take up something like architecture/designing in the future. Why? He had recently taken notice of my desktop designing...

My increasing use of emoticons and sarcasm as this entry goes on must have led you into a false sense of the chronological order of the tear-inducing moments and the happy-ier moments. Unfortunately, the conversation had ended on one of those sad topics and I was left reflecting on myself while watching Wimbledon.

More unfortunately, as the Wimbledon excitement wore off after retreating to my room, that slight uncertainty I had hardly felt evolved nefariously into utter depression. I think it's depression. Never been in one before...
I think I had my future life flashing before my eyes like those before-death people are rumoured to do. I could see myself blaming it all on going to a top school, for I could see myself getting retained by year end. It was rather lucky that I had prepared my Physics during the holidays, as I had absolutely no motivation to hit the books.

I think I just sat there and contemplated.

Attached to nothing, bound by nothing

First, I realized the anomaly of me finding it curiously guilty when Dad claimed things I had never done. I know I am a person rather bereft of such an emotion. Then I realized I actually do want them to see me succeed. But I have been doing things all my life only for myself and I am thus highly productive and easily contented. This strange and sudden pressure of proving myself to my parents was tearing me apart as this was one thing I've never lived to in my life.

Live for the sake of the life itself

I woke up to the fact that I am one who act for myself, work for myself. Why am I worrying about what my parents think? That has always been one of my forbidden thoughts anyway. So I tried to purge myself of that alien burden in my mind, wondering how it got there in the first place. And I found I was instantly happier. Till today, none of even that little doubtfulness resurfaced. Which is why I am suspecting it isn't depression. If depression can be so easily solved, the world would be a happier place (I'll still wish it upon my birthday cake anyways). It was either that, or my mind is wonderful and strong. I'll take the latter.

By the way, Dad and Uncle hadn't caught me in tears. If it were Mum, she would have noticed it right away. Whew.

I herein end on a high-ish note, that I shan't care what my grades will like be until next week. Enjoy the weekend. Enjoy Youth's Day ^^.

Notes:

1. If I'm being portrayed here as an apathy extremist, well, I'm (mostly) not. Just prefers to live without burdens.
2. Thanks, Mu-Ichimotsu. (Thanks, Sanzo ^^)
3. Took from late morning of "yesterday" till early morning of "today" to write this. Phew.
4. I've got something else to say, but cannot for the life of me remember what it is. I'll put it down next time if I remember...
5. Oh yeah, and my new background is not doing so fine so far.

03:58 p.m.

Saturday, July 5, 2003 :.

Mazeophobics Stay Away!

(Can you believe I cannot find the scientific word for phobia of mazes/getting lost? I'm sure that's more common than the phobia of having peanut butter stuck to the roof of your mouth.)

Anyway, that site was found, amongst several others, in a library book that shows and analyses 11 main types of layouts and design of a webpage. That above site was one of the case studies of the group "Punk somethingsomethingsomething Style". However, please do not associate this "punk" with the "punk" in "punk music" you hear these days; the origin of the word "punk" was not meant to be like that.
But before I decide to narrate the whole paragraph in the book to you, my actual point of writing this was none other than: Such fantastic inspirations! Woohoo!!

Indeed, I'm dreaming up designs of all sorts to be applied to either my "personal website" or this blog. Erm, not as unconventional as the above link and some others, of course.

Annnd, I've finally added the zonkboard. Can't use the "Enter" key for line break though. But with my new layout in mind, it'll be solved soon ^^. And in case anyone's wondering, Stormy's post is a painful distortion of Saiyuki's "For Real". Ouch.

And... SERENE! You're actually writing to me again!! /Me/, the dispicable procrastinator who always manage to break the chain of letters! I am SO Touched!!! You are such a friend! I'm in awe of you!!!
I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you *muak* *rushes to find writing pad*

Tune in tommorrow or Monday for some gushings of how Mark Philippoussis and the national Wales football squad are my heroes. In recent contexts, especially Philippoussis. Watch the Wimbledon Final!!

11:15 p.m.

Tuesday, July 1, 2003 :.

Disclaimer:
There goes my resolution of not crapping up this blog...
Read this entry at your own risk. Be it for weird grammar/invented words/verbed nouns (Language? What language?), for whiny complaints of exam-so-far, or for just plain unreadability (read: incoherency). Blame it on the exams; my brain's been lushed-ed.

Little Mysteries of My Life, Part #57

Just why can't words, vocabs and proper sentence structures flow into my exam essays like they do in my blog?

It's not until I got home yesterday that I suddenly find (in my graphic memory) all sorts of flaws in my essay. Let's not even talk about speelings (...woah I really typed that wrong). "Multilation", I wrote. Must have been thinking about "Multiplicity" when I penned that -_-... Then there's the inspiration-no-go part. Thanks to lack of creativity, I managed to fit in something that Calvin said (of Calvin and Hobbes fame) into my essay. Either it will turn out to be an absolutely brilliant emphasis on the part of my argument, or it will be marked down as the most-horriblest-childish-immaturest comment in the already-lightweight essay. Jeez. Even worse, credits to my hollow I-have-nothing-to-do-so-let's-analyse-my-essay mind, I managed to convince myself that half the 5 or 6 points I pointed out was totally off the emphasis of the keywords in question. Nooooo >__<

Then there was Chem today.
Considering I finished(not) flipping through the notes at the same time the assembly bell rang, well, I did not too badly. On the other hand, considering the standards the school has set for us, I did hell. And it's not "good as hell". However, the only hope I can cling on to is the fact that I did not have that Fail! feeling, which is pretty accurate by the way. Usually if I don't have this feeling, I won't fail (circular logic? ^_^). Usually. Or maybe I'm just so tired of school that my Fail! feeling has decided to hibernate and not care at all.

Suddenly I wish I had not changed school, for many reasons (like that swift drop the in level of understanding of the topics + catching up). And the only ever reason that possessed me to switch had been softball.

Bleh.
Maths tomorrow, I think I'm done with it (the revising). Now let's look to the future... and prepare for my F Maths on Friday.

Mm. I think I'm getting Zero Sum on Thursday... at least something to look forward to ^^. Felt it'll be quite intriguing this time (ie. da childhood of Nii/U-Sanzo??)
*Evil snigger* Yes, I kinda missed the history-of-who-n-who's-angst/flashbacks component of Saiyuki... On with the show!

*Glances below*
I've been having strange thoughts about how Kenshin would look like with short hair -- punk-style o_O

If anybody'd like to know, the quality of my essay was something like that of this entry's.
Draw your own conclusion.

10:40 p.m.

Sunday, June 29, 2003 :.

Nobody will find a single mistake in your fics--not
a spelling error, not a grammar error, and
especially not a canonical mistake! You'd
probably be mortified at so much as even a
comma out of place. You work hard on your fics,
and does it ever show! Your plots are complex
and intelligent, and your characters are almost
perfect replicas of their canon counterparts.
Yours are the kind of fanfics people can get
lost in, and even forget they're not reading
the real thing! Thanks for writing such great
stuff. Just remember it's okay to losen up a
little.

What Kind of Fanfiction Writer Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Um. True but not true.
I don't even think my choices on this quiz warrant me a "Perfectionist", though that's what I would like to be ^^.
But I know I am an angst/torture lover.

Oh, am I even in a position to comment? Considering... *checks Trusty Notebook and finds it bursting with fanfic ideas, paragraphs and middle chapters*
*checks ff.net under my works and finds... one chapter.*

^^;;;

07:24 p.m.

:.

And here's wishing all exam-takers: good luck!

(Procrastinators like me can only depend on it...)

04:15 a.m.

Friday, June 27, 2003 :.

Here's saying a farewell to Marc-Vivien Foe.

08:52 p.m.

Wednesday, June 25, 2003 :.

Memory.

What is memory?

Memory is

The term commonly used to refer to a computer system's random access memory (see also RAM). The term memory has also been used to refer to all types of electronic data storage (see storage). A computer system's memory is crucial to its operation; without memory, a computer could not read programs or retain data. Memory stores data electronically in memory cells contained in chips. The two most common types of memory chips are DRAM and SRAM.

--Computer Telephony & Electronics Dictionary and Glossary

And I have not enough of it -_-...

Update/Afterthought:
Memory is also the term commonly used to refer to a person's level of information retention. The term memory has also been used to refer to all types of brainage storage, or lack thereof (see Alzheimer's). A person's memory is crucial to his operation; without memory, a person could not read lecture notes or retain data. Memory stores data neuronically in memory cells contained in grey matter. The two most common types of memories are "precious", and "loss of,".

...and I have not enough of that, either. (And I hope I remembered those Bio stuffs correctly...)

11:50 a.m.

:.

s.C. -- she who takes pride in herself for being infallible to that awful thing called "headache", has finally succumbed to a bout of said evil yesterday night. At least that was what it was thought to be. There was no throbbing like what s.C. has always heard common in headaches, but just a weird sensation in the right side of the head.

And /why/ has the unimaginable at long last befall her?

Because she stayed up late to do Chemistry.

She has only one thing to preach: Studying is no good for you -_-

I've just read an MST complaining about how a songfic intolerably repeats itself over and over.

Ha, I think songfics are meant to be that way.
...just go and read Clover. @_@

Irrelevant P.S: I've just drawn a person of a cross between Prince of Tennis, Saiyuki, and Angel Sanctuary. Wow.

10:59 a.m.

Tuesday, June 24, 2003 :.

Have finally decided to write an entry.

...hell, it's not in my control anyway. Had been wanting to update for the past week+ but could not find the chance to do so.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen. It is that time of the year again, second only to that lump of sinister period near year-end for about the same wretched purpose.
It's mugging-for-exam time.

Not that I /am/ mugging for it though.

It's just a insidious little scheme to make my parents believe I am taking time to hit the books, and not wasting away in front of the computer.

Of course, the true results of my ahem hardworking-ness will reveal after the examination. Which is all the more reason why subsequent attempts at updating this blog will become a chore, for I may have been pulverized by some Hair-Dryer Treatment, be it from my parents or the *cringe* teachers. And dead people can't update blogs.

Well, last (2) week(s) and more in a nutshell...

• Boomtown

  I must say it's been quite a while since I follow soap opera or series. But they finally premiered "Boomtown" over here, and I decided that I will follow it to the end. Yeah, one part of the reason is that I actually caught the 1st episode when it premiered (Never in my life have I caught A First Episode before...), another part is, well, it's plain interesting and fresh the way it is delivered to the audience. I shall stop here for fear of deprecating the series with my not-so-coherent comments.

• Watching TV is really good for you

  In this instance, I'm refering to the skills I magically garnered for pool just by watching snookers. My first time at pool, and I did appreciatively well ^^.

• NorthEast Line

  It is finally in operation. Notwithstanding the near experience of being sandwiched to death between the closing doors (auto-piloted, I may add), from which my subsequent agility landed me the situation of having to wait another 8 DAMN minutes for the next train, it is... all right.

• The Deal About David Beckham

  What's the freaking big deal about him??? I'm dragged down with DB-overloaded-ness. But even after he left Manchester United, be ready for the next football season where headlines will read: Beckham-less United Won/Lost/Drew... etc. This is exactly what makes him irritable. He can always appear in headlines without even doing anything remotely sensational(or simply without even doing anything). Repeat after me: overwhelmed... overloaded... argh >_<

• First Time at Calculator Programming

  ...so that I can play games while the lecturer drones on and ooooooon. Sense of immense satisfaction even though the script was mostly copied online.

• Mystery of Life Part #137

  Why are your drawings so especially beautiful only when they're drawn on *tutorials*, *worksheets*, *lecture notes*, *draft papers*, *waste papers*?? -_- now I'll have to file these best-forgotten stuffs in my folio just coz I can't let go of the pictures...

• Other stuffs

  I had to delete Tony Hawk's PS3 and Age of Empires Demo yesterday to make space for... don't know what. When was the last time my hard disk had at least 1000 MB of freespace? I can't remember, and there probably wasn't even such a time.

  I just noticed, having fervently re-read my Saiyuki #1-4 which are at last back in my possession, that Sanzo in the first chapter/episode wears white... what you call 'em... socks. Hmm.

Excellent idea.

09:25 p.m.